Jezebel's points total is 126534.
Upload content & comment on videos to improve your total.
Watching too much shit tends to make you trivialize how horrible people actually are! That's why we laugh and joke at the devil, but in fact we're scared to death!
HEY, YA WANT TO BE IN A MOVIE?
Living and working in Southern California has it's advantages and disadvantages. Through my various employments, I wound up being in several movies, commercials and offered a "slot" in a porn movie. The following are a few of my experiences in Tinsel Town.
My sister in law's brother in law is a legit movie producer, director and writer. I got a call one morning: "Hey, ya want to be in a movie?" "Where?" it turned out that the studios were less than 5 miles from my house. "Sure, WTF...." "You are gong to be a detective is some background scenes, if
your son has a suit, bring him too." 45 minutes later, we were standing around looking like detectives. I went as far as to bring unloaded handguns in shoulder holsters.
When I got there, there were 20 extras in cop uniforms standing around. Not one of them knew how to wear the gear on their police belts. The director and his assistant were running around in circles. When I showed up I became the defacto technical consultant. I got all of the extras lined up and got their cop gear on them correctly. At the end of the shoot, the extras got union pay. I got 2 cans of Iris Cola and a fist full of chips. Welcome to Hollywood!
I had a speaking part in my next movie. I had been up all night fighting ghetto wars and was less than perky. My scene involved me and another cop in uniform "twisting up" and slamming a murder suspect on the hood of a cop car. I was so tired, when the scene was being adjusted, the young black actor that played the murderer, took his hands off the car and started to wander around during the take re positioning. "KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE HOOD OF THE CAR, MOTHERFUCKER." Opps, sorry.
One day at the coroner's office, another investigator hit me up. "Ya want to be a technical adviser on a movie tomorrow, it pays $350." He was going to do it, but some family thing came up. "Sure"
I showed up at the small studio in a shithole part of Hollywood. Everyone was super nice and friendly.
and interested in my work.
The director said he wanted realistic blood splatter on this particular scene. I asked who the actor was and met him. What was he shot with? How fast was he moving after he got shot? Where was he going to collapse? Those questions all effected the blood splatter and realism if the scene the director wanted. So I laid the entire scene out with the special effects dude. He was going to make the fake blood and be the one splattering it. The director was over impressed with my knowledge and
war stories they got me to tell. After several walk throughs, we were ready to start tossing stage blood around.
The director was speaking quietly to th eeffects guy and to a gay guy with a clipboard. A few minutes later, the gay guy presented me with my check for $350. "We're going to be eating lunch around 1pm, please stay and eat with us......" They filmed a "blood bag shooting from several angles, then it came time for the blood splatter. At this point I had invested 2 hours in blood splatter training for the film crew. With the cry of action, the effects guy dumped bucket after bucket, as the actor staggered along with his gun shot wound. It was a river of fake blood that had nothing to do with real splatter. They just wanted it to look extra gory. Lunch was great and the check cleared without a problem.
On another occasion, an executive protection company had me drive and escort a woman to and from
court. Her ex BF had tried to beat her to death several months prior. He and his entire Armenian family were expected to show up and start over where the BF had left off. I called the court and told them the story. (My employers would never have thought to do that.) When we got to court, there were 30 Armenians howling and yowling threats and potty mouth language at my client. I had 5 deputy Sheriffs waiting in the lobby to keep an eye on the "Armos." Other than people saying untrue things about me and my mother, it went well.
We got back to the woman's house and there was a film crew standing around. They were going to shoot a commercial for the furniture store the woman owned. They had planned to use the BF as a model in the commercial, but he was in jail. "Officer, how would you like to earn $200 laying in bed?"
"Uh, who do I have to have sex with?" "No one" "Hell yes." " Took off my suit and dress shirt and shoes, climbed under a comforter and pretended to sleep, off and on for about 15 minutes. Hard work makes strong minds!
When I was a cop in sleepy hollow, we got a call, "kidnapping in progress". EVERY cop in town rolled on that one and within 45 seconds, we had 7 college aged kids sprawled all over a front lawn, sidewalk and street. There were 3 shotguns an MP-5 and two handguns laying around too. One of the kids reached for the gun laying next to he and I. I kicked him in the ribs so hard, I thought I broke my foot. Mom comes out of the house screaming at the top of her lungs "IT'S A MOVIE, IT'S A MOVIE." Mom nearly got blasted.........
When the dust settled, the kids were from a college drama school and were filming a movie WITHOUT THE NECESSARY PERMIT. Naturally they were all mad at us for proning them out, putting mom nose first in her yard and me sinking my foot into junior, up to my ankle. The Sargent on duty had no sense of humor. Every aspiring actor, director and idiot got a fat ticket and were threatened with more charges. They are all probably earning 7 figure incomes in the entertainment industry as I type.
There are several other stories that haven't floated to the top of my brain yet. If you have any questions about Show Biz, coroner's, cops or mortuaries, toss your inquiry into my in box. CT
Jason, moments after sending THAT message, something was said that had brought me to tears!!! It has NOTHING to do with YOU!!!
Jason, PLEASE do not bring me to feel even MORE ashamed than I already do!!! What I had messaged to you was truly inappropriate and I ask that you please forgive me.
I am a bit uncomfortable about a 'G-Mail' message that I had sent to you. !!!